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Who left the door open?
Posted by RonA on November 17, 2006
Ed. Note: We’re rolling out the first of several new features today, the first of which is a weekly column by local blogger Ron Ames, formerly of Motivegrounds (NSFW Language). His very funny commentary on Erie and the region was classic stuff. He’ll post here once a week with an interesting look at Erie. - Mike
Well hello everyone! Some of you may know me from my never updated site, Motivegrounds, which got broken when I decided I could just transfer all my stuff from one host to another and make it work. Pssht, file permissions? MySQL database? Who needs those?
Some of you may know me from the Erie Bloggers meetings too. I was there last night, sitting in the corner at the kiddy table, listening to Michael talk a mile a minute. Well, the wife came with me, which means that we dropped the kiddo off at my parent’s house. After we left Panera, we went back to my parent’s house, listened to my mom and dad talk non-stop for half an hour, discovered that they gave our daughter pizza AND cookies (that’s what grandparents do!) and then went home.
Ok, on to the point of the story. I get home and go to unlock the door for Monica, as she’s still trying to grow a third arm (Patent pending) to hold the kid and unlock the door and realize that the door behind the storm door is wide open.
Oh crap.
Monica gets in the car and tells me to check the house, and locks the car doors. I try to get back into the car because I’m a big wuss, and there’s no way I’m going in there to fight off a crazed guy trying to rob me of my precious $0.85 in change on the counter. Eventually I go in the house after she shoots me a gaze that melted the window glass, and grab the first thing I can think of - two kitchen knives.
Now, those of you who know me will realize that this is a bad idea. No, not me going through the house looking for an intruder/robber/people under the stairs, but the fact that I grabbed not just A knife, but two knives. And a big one too. A rolling pin, a broom, a spoon, anything would be less deadly to myself than a knife. When I was about 3-4 years old, I decided that it would be a fantastic idea to cut open an orange with a big sharpened steak knife. My dangling finger disagreed moments later. When the kiddo was about a year old and teething, I decided to cut up ice for her to chew on. The best way to do this? Well, hold the cube with your thumb and forefinger and then cut the ice with a steak knife! My thumb disagreed as well. Also, a fish boning knife is not a good tool to cut potatoes with. Monica has pretty much banned me from even buttering my own toast. No, I would not do that with a steak knife.
So I walk through each room, wondering what I’m going to encounter, having no clue what I’m even going to do if I see someone. So, what do I when I go in a room? I wave the knife around in the dark like an idiot, because I forget to turn on the light. I check all the rooms, closets, even the attic (by opening the door and shouting “Is anyone up there?!”, because as you know, all intruders just wanna chill and play some poker or something) and realize that no one’s there except for me. Well me and the “attack cats”. More on them another day.
So I go outside and tell the wife that the coast is clear, and that she probably just left the door open. Of course she denies it and says that I was the last one out. No way, I say, you were the last one out. Eventually we just shrug our shoulders and just decide to go to bed.
So, who left the door open? Probably me, as I realized this morning. What, you expected anything less? Did Monica know it all along? Yeah, but she figured I’d realize it eventually. But nothing was broken or stolen, so no big deal.
Lesson learned? If you break into my house and I come home, hand me a knife, an ice cube and an orange. By the time you’re done and you’ve even taken that 85 cents on the counter, I’ll still be trying to decide the best way to put the knife down and get the phone without earning myself a trip to the ER.
Posted by RonA at November 17, 2006 10:15 AM
Comments
This was LOL funny. I always leave the door open. On a serious note, my parents live in Erie (I'm in DC) and they left their garage door open the other night. Well, wouldn't you know, the next day they realized the garage was open all night and that their bikes were stolen. The thief actually stole an antique red Schwinn tandem bike, which was my mom's anniversary present from my dad. Anyways, it's very surprising to me because they live in an safe, nice neighborhood. Kind of disconcerting too, knowing people are creeping around your house at night!!!
Just a heads up to all you Erie folks! Obviously if they steal once they'll steal again and probably head on to new neighborhoods where the neighbors aren't tipped off yet.
Posted by: Stacey at November 17, 2006 11:16 AM
Heh, I've got a story about that. My buddy Jon told me a tale about his dad and a really expensive bike he had. He always put the bike in the garage, and apparently someone noticed this too. His dad went into the garage one morning, saw the bike was missing, and on the ground was a note.
"Thanks for the bike".
His dad yelled something I can't repeat on here, but I can assure you he wasn't happy.
Posted by: Ron at November 17, 2006 1:19 PM
Are you going to be blogging here from now on?
Posted by: Jenson at November 17, 2006 1:42 PM
Yep, about once a week. Less often if I try carving the turkey this year.
Posted by: Ron at November 17, 2006 1:45 PM
Then your Thanksgiving would be more like "Thanks for nothing!"
I'm sure you could adjust with some chicken-peck style typing with your remaining good fingers :)
Posted by: Melissa at November 17, 2006 3:13 PM
Add a
link and graphic to your site to show that you're from Erie. Meet new peeps, share you thoughts on our fair city, do whatever you like.
